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4 Weird Ways Your Kid is Getting Wasted

I thought I was a rebel in high school. Compared to the curious kids of today, I was practically a saint. My fake ID allowed me to purchase cases of Bud Light and handles of Captain Morgan for parties, but I could never figure out how to imbibe before a school dance without getting caught by the dreaded breathalyzer.

These days, underage kids are going to new extremes to get drunk on the down low. Here are four weird ways your kid might be getting wasted this weekend.

Vodka Eyeballing

Can you even imagine anything less appealing than pouring alcohol straight into your open eyeball? Some teens prefer to put a full shot glass of vodka up to their bare eye, while others fill an eyedropper with the clear liquor. The theory behind this adolescent-approved method is that the eyeball will absorb any liquid that touches it, which means the alcohol will hit the bloodstream by way of mucous membranes. So, maybe the eyeball’s delicate tissue will quickly absorb the alcohol. But, consider the surface area of your eye, plus the size of those tiny blood vessels. I’m no scientist, but those odds seem small. It goes without saying that the American Academy of Ophthalmology is actively against this practice. Potential risks include cornea damage and vision loss.

Vodka Tampons

Once considered a private purchase during that special time of the month, teens of America have given tampons a new role in recent years. It turns out these trusted absorbent tools can also transport liquid into the body. Underage girls (and boys!) have been known to soak tampons in vodka before inserting them into the vagina or rectum. The alcohol is then absorbed directly into the bloodstream through the membrane walls. Teens like this method because it eliminates the risk of having alcohol on their breath. With a tampon you also avoid calorie intake, right? Sorry, that is false. Calories from alcohol will be absorbed by the body, no matter the route of entry. One big risk is alcohol poisoning — because unlike stomach absorption, when you use tampons, you can’t vomit to get the alcohol out of your system.

Smoking Alcohol

Compared to bathroom tactics, the act of smoking alcohol appears to be a more sophisticated alternative for that same buzz. So, why smoke instead of sip? When you drink a cocktail, the alcohol travels through the digestive system, and is broken down, before it hits the bloodstream. A faster, stronger way to feel the high is through inhaling the alcohol as a smoke or vapor. This way, the alcohol is not metabolized by the liver, and it goes straight from the lungs to the brain and into the bloodstream. Vaportini is one example of the alcohol-vaporizing products currently available in the US. And there are plenty of DIY projects that make use of dry ice, open fire and bicycle pumps. By exposing your lungs to harmful chemicals, you’re at risk for developing asthma and respiratory system diseases. There is also a greater chance of alcohol poisoning and overdosing.

Alcohol Enema: Butt Chug

Keg stands, beer bongs and now butt chugs? It’s the evolution of college drinking habits, and alcohol enemas are now a thing at frat parties across the nation. The way it works is to place a small tube into someone’s rectum, and pour alcohol from a funnel into the tube, directly into the colon. The alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream through the lining of the colon. Similar to other methods on this list, the reason to butt chug is to feel drunk faster. Prankster Steve-O, who is now sober and speaks about addiction, popularized the butt chug during a “Jackass” skit. Risks include damage to the gastrointestinal tract and increased chance of alcohol poisoning.