I Left My Addicted Husband…and it Saved Our Lives

When you’re married to a person with a substance use disorder (SUD)—the clinical term for addiction—your whole life turns upside down. Chaos naturally accompanies the disease of addiction. What used to be a happy home can quickly take on the appearance of a circus, especially if your spouse is actively misusing drugs.

There’s a wealth of information out there for those looking to help a loved one struggling, but what about helping yourself? What about your feelings and needs?

A Love Story Turns Sour

Janet Howe is all too familiar with the struggles that come with loving a spouse who’s actively misusing drugs. Her husband, Tom, spent the last six years of their 12-year marriage addicted to heroin and OxyContin.

She eventually realized something had to change, and that change had to come from within.

Here’s how Janet finally gave herself permission to detach from her husband—and why she says it’s the best decision she ever made.

Q: Janet, tell me a little bit about your relationship with Tom.

A: I met Tom my junior year of high school. He was part of the “cool” clique I guess you could say; he liked to drink a few beers on the weekend and do a little drag racing here and there. That “danger” is probably what attracted me to him in the first place. We began dating the summer before my senior year and got married three years later.

Q: How and when did Tom develop an addiction?

A: Like so many others, Tom developed an addiction to prescription pain pills after they were prescribed for a legitimate injury. He actually broke his back from falling off a roof. After several surgeries, he could no longer function without a 24-hour supply of OxyContin. He was eventually referred to a pain clinic and, after missing three mandatory pill counts, he was kicked out.

Once he lost that “legal” monthly supply of OxyContin, he started buying them off the street. And that’s when our finances went down the drain. He took every dime we had and spent it on pills. I knew it was bad, but I just didn’t want to admit to myself how bad. I was in denial, you know?

After creditors began threatening to sue and we’d had both our cars repossessed, I took on a second job. Tom was getting a monthly disability check. Combined, we could have probably gotten ourselves out of the financial mess we were in, but he just couldn’t stop buying pills.

I finally got a separate checking account and, without access to my income, Tom could no longer afford to buy OxyContin. That’s when he switched to heroin.

Q: What changes did you see in him once he turned to heroin?

A: Oh, he was so much worse. He would lay around the house nodding out constantly. I can’t count the times I saw him passed out on the couch with drool pouring from his mouth. He stopped eating; he only left the house to go meet his drug dealers. He was literally just a shell of a man. Tom, the person I’d loved for the better part of my life, was now a stranger.

For years, I covered for Tom and cleaned up his messes. I made excuses to his family, my family, and all our friends. I assured them he was fine and just “felt a little under the weather.” And while I was out there doing damage control, Tom became violent towards me. He never physically struck me; he was just so emotionally abusive—especially when he couldn’t get any heroin and experienced withdrawals.

I tolerated this for six years; six long, sad years of my life. I had convinced myself that, if I left him, I would be abandoning him. As if his choices were somehow a result of my actions. I didn’t want to give up on him, you know?

Q: What finally made you change your mind about leaving?

A: Believe it or not, I was watching an addiction documentary on TV and felt like it was a mirror image of my life. I knew I had to be strong and put myself first for once. I wanted a better life and, if Tom wasn’t interested in improving our lives as a couple, I had to go.

Don’t get me wrong; I’d done all the research and reached out to counselors beforehand. Tom ultimately entered, and was kicked out of, seven rehab programs. It was an ugly pattern that just kept repeating itself. In the end, I had to give myself permission to leave him in order to save my own life. And that wasn’t an easy choice to make; it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Q: So, what happened after you left the marriage?

A: I ended up sitting Tom down one night and telling him I was done.

It’s worth pointing out that Tom was high as a kite when I told him I was leaving, so I don’t know if he really understood what I was saying to be honest—and I didn’t care.

I’d threatened to leave him a hundred times before…I just never followed through.

It took him about three days to realize things were different this time. He promised me the sun and moon, just like he always did, but I stood my ground. I refused to go back into that dark and suffocating environment.

About three months after I left Tom, I filed for divorce.

Q: How did you move forward afterward?

A: You know how they say, “everything happens for a reason,” well that’s an understatement for me! Once Tom and I split, he was forced to deal with the mess he’d created. I was no longer there cleaning up all the fallout for him—I know now that I was just enabling his addiction. At the time, though, I really thought I was helping him.

Tom voluntarily entered a long-term rehab program that was located seven hours away. Meanwhile, I was doing my own healing. I joined two therapy groups and quickly learned that my situation wasn’t uncommon—not by a long shot. But it was so nice to be able to talk to people who intimately understood what I was going through. That support is worth its weight in gold, let me tell you.

I know now that I was just enabling his addiction. At the time, though, I really thought I was helping him. -Janet Howe

Tom spent nearly six months in a recovery program and transitional sober living house. We spoke once or twice a month; I began to hear flashes of the Tom I used to know. He slowly found a new kind of peace within himself, and that gave me comfort. I knew he was going to be okay.

Q: What’s the status of your relationship today and do you have any regrets?

A: Well, if this were a fairy tale, I’d say that Tom and I got back together and lived happily ever after…but this is real life, and things didn’t work out that way. In fact, they worked out much better. Tom and I divorced—amicably I might add—and we both moved on.

Today he’s sober, healthy, and happy. In fact, he’s working as a guide and counselor for a youth wilderness therapy program.

As for me, I’ve learned how to stand on my own and not put the well-being of others ahead of my own needs. Today, I am an active participant in building the life I want to live. I’ve learned that it’s okay to detach myself from toxic situations, and I’ve set boundaries that define what I will and will not tolerate from others.

Most importantly, I’ve found happiness and peace with my past and the decisions I made. I’m a stronger person for all I’ve experienced, and I refuse to waste time lingering in the past. I’ve got too much life to be living to do that!

No regrets; no what ifs.

Helping a Loved One Struggling With Addiction

Helping a loved one struggling with addiction can be difficult, and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when someone is in active addiction. But your support can make a difference. Here are some ways you can help:

• Educate yourself: Learning about addiction as a disease can help you better understand your loved one struggles.
• Encourage treatment: Encourage your loved one to seek professional help. A visit to their primary care physician (PCP) to get treatment recommendations and referrals for rehab could kickstart the process. They could also consider attending support groups.
• Research treatment options: There are many treatment options your loved one might not be aware of. Look into treatment programs that might be a good fit for their needs, such as inpatient and outpatient rehab programs.
• Set healthy boundaries: You can still offer support without enabling your loved one.
• Offer emotional support: Be an ear without judgment and remind them they are not alone.
• Practice patience: Recovery is a journey, and setbacks may occur—stay supportive.

Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself

It can be easy to forget to take care of yourself when supporting a loved one with addiction—but taking care of yourself is necessary for both of you. These self-care strategies can help:

• Find support: Join support groups like Al-Anon or talk to a therapist who specializes in addiction-related issues. If you don’t have local support groups nearby, look into virtual options online.
• Set boundaries: Protect your emotional and physical well-being by establishing clear, healthy boundaries with your loved one.
• Prioritize self-care: This can be activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as exercise and meditation or making time for hobbies.
• Talk to trusted family or friends: Find a trusted family member or friend you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with.
• Know your limits: You can’t control someone else’s recovery, and it’s okay to focus on your own well-being.

If you or a loved one are struggling with addiction, American Addiction Centers (AAC) is here to help. Contact us today a to share your story, explore treatment options, and verify your insurance coverage. AAC offers compassionate care and evidence-based treatment at our facilities nationwide. Whether you’re looking for help for you or a loved one—we’re here.