5 Lessons for Parents of Teens Misusing Substances
Having an adolescent or young adult child who misuses drugs or alcohol can be absolutely heart wrenching. Not only are you in constant fear for their health, well-being, and future, but your fear may be compounded by feeling completely in the dark about your child’s problems.
Parents often have many questions, with the most pressing tending to be “What should we do?”. Thankfully, there are many actions parents can take to get their child on the road to recovery, including getting involved in multidimensional family therapy, or MDFT.
Essential Lessons for Parents Gleaned from Multidimensional Family Therapy
Parents who participate in MDFT can benefit from the several essential and invaluable lessons learned during their sessions. Not only can these lessons help parents understand how to best support their children, but they can also help them begin to heal from the familial disruption they have been experiencing.
Some of the most significant lessons that can be gleaned from MDFT can be viewed below.
1. Parents are not to blame for their child’s substance misuse, but they are critical in finding a solution
The parents of children and adolescents who have substance misuse or addiction problems are not to blame for this type of outcome. In fact, blaming yourself, your spouse, and/or your genetics will not contribute anything productive to solving the problem. Unfortunately, even some professionals blame parents for their children’s problems and believe the only way to heal the youth is to separate them from their parents and “toxic families.” There is no evidence to support this idea. In fact, science suggests that the most effective treatments for youth substance misuse involve the parents and helping families find solutions by coming together, not growing further apart.
“There remains a deep connection between parents and children no matter how tense it may seem, and this is what will save your child in the long run.” -Gayle A. Dakof
2. Parents are the medicine
Many parents feel completely ineffective with their teenage children, even if they aren’t even using substances. Parents often say to therapists: “You talk to him. He listens to everybody except me. He doesn’t want to hear anything I say!” While this may feel very true at moments, almost all adolescents are influenced by their families more than anyone else. In actuality, counselors and treatment programs cannot have the kind of influence that parents have on their children.
In therapy, we often tell parents: “If I could meet with your son and get him to stop using drugs and alcohol and do better in school, I would be happy to do it. But the reality is that it doesn’t work like that. This is because you are his parents, and although you feel like he pays no attention to you, it is not true. There remains a deep connection between parents and children no matter how tense it may seem, and this is what will save your child in the long run.”
3. Parents must parent as a united team
The differences parents face in regards to how to rear their children are often exacerbated when dealing with a child who is misusing drugs and alcohol. Nevertheless, it is essential that parents resolve their differences in parenting, put conflicts aside, and come together for the sake of the child. Effective parental teamwork is essential to getting your child sober.
As parents, work to develop a process that works for you where you can discuss issues, problems, and possible solutions. The best way you can help your child is to work as a united team, as doing so will make you much stronger than if you were working at odds. Therefore, you must prioritize time away from the children to develop actionable plans. Once you have decided on what you are going to do about substance use and other problems in your home, present your decision together as a united front. You will have more influence on your youth if you are a strong team and they see that you are dedicated to working together.
“Youth in these circumstances typically think that their parents do not love or care about them, and this will drive the youth further away from parental influence and mainstream societal values.” -Gayle A. Dakof
4. Avoid harsh or extreme stances
Sometimes treatment professionals and others may suggest harsh stances such as changing the locks on the house, or not allowing your teen or young adult in the house when he is drunk or high, for example. But, these harsh actions may cause your child to move farther away from the family, hence diminishing any influence you may have.
I have never heard a teen say, “My parents locked me out of the house. I had nowhere to go. I slept on the front porch and then I was couch surfing. I learned my lesson. I will stop using drugs. Wow, this was a wake-up call!” Instead, these harsh actions tend to harden the youth’s heart and make them more angry and hurt. Unfortunately, youth in these circumstances typically end up feeling that their parents do not love or care about them when they take action like this, making the situation far worse. Therefore, it is very important not to take harsh and/or extreme stances you may regret later, no matter how upset you may be feeling.
5. There are alternatives to extreme parental stances
When we suggest no extreme or harsh stances, some parents reply: “But what else am I to do? I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. I have other children in the house. It is bad for them. It is ruining our marriage. I am getting sick. I can’t let this continue.”
Of course, parents cannot go on living this way with the fear, the lies, the stealing, the arguments, the physical aggressions, the self-destruction, and so on. We are not suggesting that parents just grin and bare it. However, there is a way to take a strong stance about what is acceptable and what is unacceptable without kicking your child out of your house.
For example, if parents have come to the “I can’t take it anymore” place, we recommend that they have a serious and calm talk with their child about how much they love their them and also how the problematic behaviors cannot continue. For example, a parent may say something like this: “You cannot stay out all night without permission. You need to go to school every day and try your best. You cannot be using drugs and alcohol. These are the basic rules. We are not going to let you ruin your life. We love you too much. But if you cannot follow these rules or you refuse, then we are going to sit down and figure out what to do next. It will not be business as usual. We love you and want you here with us, but we are willing to take the next step if we must.”
This “next step” may certainly involve legal authorities and treatment professionals who can help stabilize a teen who is out of control. In family therapy, we work in collaboration with such important influences to help teenagers and families remain safe and as connected as possible throughout these difficult crises. The point is that there are ways to handle such challenges without creating further disconnection.
Sometimes, however, a child cannot or will not change, and the parents may need to admit them to residential treatment or a similar program for further care. However, if it is done in the manner suggested here, then the child will eventually understand it as an act of love instead of an act of rejection. In these settings, healing will take place together as a family as well as individually for the child.
If your child is struggling with a substance use disorder or drug or alcohol use, reach out to us at AAC. No one, including you and your family, should ever go through this alone. We can provide you with the tangible help you need to get your child on the road to recovery and to reinvigorate your family with strength and hope. Contact us by calling to be connected with a kind, compassionate admissions navigator who can answer your questions and even assist you in the process of verifying your insurance.